New Year’s Revelations

New Year’s Revelations

Happy New Year to you all! 2018. When the hell did that happen? Remember when you were a kid and your parents used to tell you to stop wishing time away? They were right. I’ve just turned 41. No going back now. 41!!!!!

My cousin gave me a 5 year diary for my Christmas where there are 5 years on each page, and you write a few lines about each day so you can see what you were doing the previous year. What a marvellous idea which got me thinking about the previous year and about making some new year’s resolutions. I found an old notebook with resolutions from 2014/2015 and not surprisingly, I hadn’t achieved half of them. So this year I thought I’d do it differently and make a list of things I’m NOT going to do.

I’m not going to lose weight – get fit – tone up – eat better – not drink so much. Fuck it. I am on the go all of the time. (I can feel my husband about to object so let’s say 99% of the time!!). I may put my feet up and watch some tv when the babies are napping but generally, I’m always doing something. Cleaning, cooking, tidying up, soft play, meeting friends and family or at my actual place of work. So when I do get a blessed ten minutes to drink a cup of coffee then I’m bloody well having a cake with it.

I’m not going to follow people on Instagram who make me feel fat and lazy. You know the ones I mean. The mum’s (or mom’s) who post pictures of themselves bench-pressing their twins before breakfast like they’re dumbbells, then sit down to a bowl of granola and acacia berries. You can all sod off. They call themselves inspirational. They’re not. They’ve had six kids and got a six pack so there’s no excuse for me not to be flashing my abs? I bet those aren’t even their kids. I live in the real world. I choose 30 minutes in bed in the morning over exercising strenuously. I choose weetabix and a walk with the babies. I choose cheese and wine. So thinspirational mum’s – consider yourself Unfollowed. I feel lighter already.
I’m not going to get so stressed about the little things. Now this I may struggle with. I know that last year I used to get stressed about going out with the babies, being late, that sort of thing. Then I broke it down to what’s the worst that can happen? You’re late. So what? Babies start screaming? Just go home. I hate a messy house, it’s true. But after us all being so ill for the past two months, I realised that it just doesn’t matter. If things don’t get done for a few days, it’s not the end of the world. If you’re tired, have a nap. Your mental and physical well being are far too important to ignore. I hadn’t thought about what it would be like to be ill looking after two ill babies. Oh my god. It’s just soul destroying. However, I took a little comfort in knowing that my other twin mums were all going through the same thing so at least we could message each other at 3 in the morning and moan at how tired we were.

I am going to be grateful for what I’ve got though. It’s too easy to start thinking about all the things I may not have achieved yet, or material things I wish I had (my hints at a new Kindle were obviously too subtle). We are living in a time where a Loneliness Minister has been appointed. I wish that wasn’t a real thing. It got me thinking about how happy my babies are and wouldn’t it be lovely if that happiness could be shared to all the isolated and lonely people out there? I feel a letter to my MP coming on. Anyway, I am grateful for my family, friends, colleagues and all those who read my blog and continue to share my journey. Happy new year to you all. I hope it brings you all of your desires.


365 Days Later

365 Days Later

As I sit here writing this post, the twins are in their playpen, hanging onto the bars, looking out of the window. Harry is standing and Archie is halfway there. If you’d told 20170905_102151.jpgme a year ago that’s where they’d be, I’d have smiled and secretly thought, I really do hope so.

The boys celebrated their first birthday on the 5th of September. I made fairy cakes and they played with the wrapping paper and boxes that their presents came in. That weekend we had a party and were overwhelmed at how many family and friends came to join in the fun. Harry and Archie had a great time! They were little social butterflies, getting cuddles and kisses from everyone. There were two cakes, ev20170905_081357.jpgeryone sang happy birthday and I cried, even though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t. I really couldn’t help it. Partly because I cry at everything these days, but mostly because every day I’m still surprised at how far they’ve come. You’d never know to look at them that they were born far too soon, with all the possible complications that can bring.

One minute they drive me nuts, the next they make me laugh so much. Although genetically identical they really do have such different personalities. Harry is full on boisterous, pushing his brother around and grabbing everything within his reach. Archie likes to take it all in first, let his brother push him around, and is definitely the chatterbox of the two. They do have one thing in common, and that is the ability to laugh at the silliest things, and it’s just wonderful. This week, it’s hiccups.

I’m now back at work and every shift so far, people have asked me if I miss my babies. The truth is, I don’t. I’ve spent every day of the past year with them (except for 24 hours of bliss at Stobo Castle). I know that they are safe at home, having a great time with their dad. Within half an hour of my leaving for my first shift, Harry stood for the first time. When I got home in the morning, I was greeted by two smiling faces shouting, ‘dada’! Hhhmmm, wonder how long it took to teach them that Mr Finlay!!

Happy birthday dear Harry and Archie

Work is part of my ‘me’ time. I never thought I’d ever think that!!!! I spend 45 minutes each way in the car, drinking hot coffee listening to the radio. I then spend 12.5 hours with adults, using skills and knowledge I’d forgotten I’d had. I get 40 minutes to eat my lunch in peace. I’m still knackered at the end of the day so nothing new there, but it’s nice to be back. Of course it helps that I’m now part time so if I have a rough day, I know I don’t have three more to get through!! My husband and I are working opposite shifts so it’s a bit tough on us at times however it’s only until they start school!!!

There has been a new development to our daily routine which has been most welcome indeed. A couple of weeks ago, it was 6pm, and I was informed by my husband that it was ‘daddy hour’. The twins dutifully followed him into the den, where I was told that I would not be required and the door was closed. I had an hour. To myself. What to do?!?!?!? Unsure, I promptly poured a (large) glass of wine and deliberated on what I wanted to do first. I decided on a bubble bath. It was heaven. Then at 7pm, the babies had their bed time milk and were duly punted off to bed. We then had actual time to ourselves. So, obviously, we were both asleep in front of the tv by 9pm.

The boys turning one has made me take a look back at the past 365 days. People often say the first three months must have been hard for us with the babies in hospital, but I tend to think it was the first three months of them being home that was harder. Lack of sleep, not knowing what you were doing, arguing over the stupidest things, mood swings, lack of sleep (it needs a double mention!!). The truth is, their time in hospital is very surreal to us. We couldn’t allow ourselves to think of anything except the day we would be bringing them home. Both of them. Together. There were a few dark days where that dream seemed impossible, but we pulled ourselves together, for the sake of the babies, our family and friends, and said that everything would be okay. And it was.

So on that note, I would like to wish Harry and Archie a very happy first birthday. And goodness knows what the next 365 days will bring!!! Walking….talking….tantrums….more teeth….mischief and mayhem!! I cannot wait.

Nine months

Nine months

It’s time to start talking about that dirty four lettered word. That’s right. The word nobody likes to mention. Work. Urgh!!! I’m now on unpaid maternity leave and my return to work is approaching rapidly.

What really sucks is that the babies

Food please mum

are now really good fun!!! Their little personalities and unique characters are developing. They’re doing new things all the time. They have so much fun and laugh at everything. It’s such a glorious, uplifting sound when they both start giggling away. I just have to kiss their tummies, or pull a certain face and off they go into giggle meltdown.

So to have to think about work now is something I’m struggling with. And it’s not because I’m lazy!! It’s because I’m really enjoying this job and don’t want it to change just yet. I’m in a new routine now. We all get up at half eight and have breakfast watching Everyone Loves Raymond. Sometimes I think to hell with it, let’s have another cuppa and watch Frasier too. (I know, please don’t hate me. I’m aware this could all change at any minute!!!). The babies usually have a nap while I get ready then it’s off to Jo Jingles, or granny’s house, or to meet up with a friend for the much loved ‘coffee and cake’. Sometimes, we go out for a walk just the three of us. And if we’re feeling brave (or out of wine), Tesco’s!!! I suppose my point is, we do what we feel like doing that day. The babies had a cold last week during the heatwave. They were very sleepy so I took advantage of that and did something I’ve really missed. I sat out in the sun with a book. Not a magazine or a baby recipe book. An actual novel. Heaven.

Roll over Archie!!

So, here’s an example of how our day usually starts…

Archie: today’s the day I’m going to get my foot into my mouth. I know I can do it. All it takes is perseverance. Like when I found my thumb. At the end of my hand of all places!! And to think, it was only a few weeks ago I realised that it was my actual foot at the end of my leg!!! Amazing.

Harry: today’s the day I’m going to roll to the south side of the living room. It’s going to take four consecutive rolls and I’ve only managed three so far without mummy noticing but I can do it. Especially if my pesky brother doesn’t get in the way. He’s always rolling into me, kicking me in the face. Trying to suck his toes. What’s that all about?! Little weirdo. He needs to practice his rolling like me, then we can escape this shaggy rug place and explore new lands!! Anyway, focus Harry. I’m getting just like mummy. Look at her. Watching ‘that American shite’ as daddy calls it and drinking tea when she said ten minutes ago she was going for a shower.

Mummy: today’s the day I’m going to stop eating crap. Yes. I’ll go shopping and just buy healthy stuff. Lots of salad things. It’s summer now, we can eat salad. And we’ll walk down. Get some exercise. But we need wine. I could drive down and get the Kettlebells dvd out this afternoon. I’ll have another cup of tea first and maybe squeeze in an episode of Scandal while I think about it.



Anyway, I’m going to ease myself back to work by doing some KIT (keep in touch) days. To be honest, I’m completely bricking it. I don’t remember much about being a nurse. I used to forget stuff after a two week holiday, never mind a year away!!! And what the hell has happened to my brain?!? Baby brain!!! Is it worse because I’ve had two?! I’m scared a patient or doctor is going to ask me something and I’ll just be standing there, mouth open, knowing I know the answer somewhere but just can’t find the words to form a sentence!!



After being in hospital for three months with the babies, I’ve developed a sense of dread about the place. That never used to be the case. Before when I went to work, it was exciting. All the monitors and equipment. You never knew what was going to happen. Critical care, post-op patients, always having to be one step ahead, so organised and on the ball. Now, I honestly don’t know what would happen if that emergency buzzer went off. The last time I heard it was when the NICU nurse told my husband to pull ‘that red button’ as Archie needed resuscitating for the third time.

I know all my training will come back to me and within a few shifts it’ll be like I’ve never been away. I’ll be back in the loop, privy once more to all the gossip and goings-on that fuel our long days and nights. But I know already a few things will change. As a recent patient and parent of patients I have so much more empathy and understanding for the people who visit my patients. I now get why they ask a million questions over and over. Why they might think I’m missing something or not looking after their loved one properly. Why it’s so important that their mum wear the pink nightgown, not the blue one as it’s her favourite. And it’s because while I’m busy doing a thousand things looking after two patients and thinking about getting home, all they are thinking about is their loved one. 100% focus on that one person. It’s not like I never knew all that already. It’s just that now, I get it.

Part of me is looking forward to getting back to a revised version of normal. Dusting off my scrubs and resurrecting professional nurse Katie. Using my hard earned skills and knowledge once again. Having conversations about anything and everything, not just baby stuff.

Fortunately I have plenty of distractions before the dreaded return to work. We’re moving house in five weeks time. I’m very excited and a little bit scared. It’s a much bigger house which is wonderful as we need the space. But it needs a lot of work doing to it which will take a long time, however it’s mostly decorative. I just like to get stuff done which of course doesn’t happen anymore when there’s two rug rats to think of!!! And we’re going to have a first birthday party for the twins. A combined housewarming. I really want to celebrate this past year and all the achievements it’s brought with it. The coming home of Harry and Archie. Buying our dream house and the adventure of turning it into an amazing home. Our family home.